little light.

*this has been in my drafts since november..what up*

i’m a little more selfish than i used to be. more emotional than i’m used to being. more careless than i should be. more attached than i have to be. more immodest than i’ve ever been. less of a friend than i’m known to be. less humble than i could be. and despite the “little more”s and “little less” i’m as numb as ever and can’t feel a thing. i’ve changed. and sometimes change is good..sometimes. i’ve grown, but these are thorns and weeds i could do without.

“This world has nothing for me (I will follow You)”

this past FCJ Discovery Camp i knelt with my face to the ground at the foot of the altar during adoration crying more than i ever have. i never cry during adoration. i’ve cried once or twice, three tops. but basically i just don’t. not because i’m heartless or bored but simply because when i was there…it was happy. i had no shame. i was just there with God and with little regret. i never had huge obstacles like my other brothers and sisters and a part of me felt like they were just waiting till i cracked. i always had this battle in my mind, this voice that kept saying “you’re faith isn’t good enough until you go through a big dramatic tear jerking life like her…or him…or them” but i knew He had always taken care of me and I had always let Him. i had always let go and let God whether it was immediately or in the near future. but this time in adoration my heart felt heavy. i cried because i wasn’t the meg i was used to being. my brother always gave me praise during conversations about high school.“everyone changes. you’ve changed. but you’ve always stayed meg. you’ve just grown as meg.” 

but i guess that’s where my pride kicked me in the butt because college has made that phrase invalid. these past couple of months have been a bunch of IDAFs and “for once meg, you should get what you want not just whatevers left” and “let me do me”s. i’ve changed. i’ve grown. but these are mottos i could do without. 

i knelt in adoration crying my eyes out because for the past couple months i’ve had to get through my college days without the best friend who was always there to keep me in line, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. she was the best who i spent every retreat adoration praying with. she had always kept me God centered and for the past couple months i didn’t have her. I know i shouldn’t rely on a person alone. but for real?! she’s my effin back bone. she slaps me in the face when i’m not facing God. she flicks my wrist when i’m not reaching towards heaven. she helps my carry my crosses. she wipes my face so i can see Christ. she’s my BFFEL (Best Friend for Eternal Life) she loves me to heaven and at that point i realized how much i needed her. i’d changed. but i needed her. i needed God to change me from the way i’ve been lately. 

“Did my words betray the Patience I once claimed. Can’t you see it in my face? I need your grace. Would you change me from who I’ve been lately? ’Cause I know I’m nothing Without you” -santuc real “change me

i knelt. crying. begging for Him to change me. i couldn’t undo things, but i new i could change things in my life. but i just panicked in tears not knowing how. i had hurt one of my best friends and he doesn’t even know it yet. i had put friendships on hold. i’ve taken others for granted. i knelt there mouthing words i couldn’t sing. ”I need You Jesus to come to my rescue. Where else can I go? There’s no other Name by which I am saved. Capture me with grace. I will follow You”

by the end of the retreat. i knew my mission. my goals were made clear. they were in my tumblr info but i’d forgotten them. my lifelong goals. and the bible verses i live by:

lifelong goals: Be the Straw. Be Love. Be God’s. Be a good little light.

with selfless faith, God be glorified.

Proverbs 31:25 “She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.”

Gal 2:20 ‘no longer i who live, but Christ who lives within me’

thank you world for the growth, but you can keep the change.